Dear Charlie,
Happy birthday! How does it feel to be a 39-year-old-high-functioning adult? Me? I am barely getting by without shedding a tear every day.
Pagkagising ko, yung nanay ko kino-call out yung laki ng katawan ko. Perhaps out of concern, but I felt like it was out of spite. At her timeline reaching 39, she was pregnant to my youngest brother (to which I became a co-parent of), and papa was punishing her by handwashing a king-sized bedsheet, without any help from her kids. She almost had miscarriage with JB. She was so thin, kind of a trauma response to the survival mode. And I believe she felt alone at that phase of her life.
At 39, I feel like I was living mama’s alternate reality: Literally living alone, yet thriving in the Corporate career she aspires — just received a good news of huge promotion, forging and / or fortifying communities from her interests and hobbies, saving up for travels and retirement, essentially “winging adulting”. And yet, when I sat down in my home office, I feel the heavy weight of her feisty reminder,
“Magpa-check ka na ng katawan mo at ang laki mo na!”
This afternoon, albeit relatively felt okay, I was suddenly thrusted into a anxious spiral of body dysmorphia and the seething sentiment of:
I am still not enough.
That daydream goes back as my totem and my solace. If only I was that wife, I will be definitely out of this timeline. Lord, sana maumpog na siya and he would woo me! Susubukan ko magpakipot, kahit alam ng mundo na marupok ako.
Sorry Charlie, oversharing. Kindly ignore those long sentences. What I really wanted to say was I wish you a moment of peace and a feeling of abundance.
You are enough.
Thank you for being a friend.
mariaellabetos.com 