Raw materials retrieved from my 2019 tweets. Re-worked and then submitted in the Mountain Beacon facebook page. Perhaps, they will be used again as content in my stories of loneliness, anxieties and dreads. After all, my heart became at ease as soon as I put them all on paper.
Tiong Bahru, August 2022
“Hindi na yata ako makakahanap. Napaglipasan na ako.”
And I felt that loneliness na wala na siyang magiging life partner.
He will be like me.
A voice inside me asks,
“Baka pwede ako? We can try, at least.”
HK Airport Confessions, 2019
There was a wave of loneliness earlier today.
Little waves came when I saw my luggage exceeding 2kg from the enforced carry-on. I kind of willingly surrender some of my clothes to the bin, and put all the luxurious soaps hoarded inside my purse. Tried removing things here and there.
A medium wave came when I saw a yuppie couple before the immigration gate, hugging and talking in their mother tongue, and the guy stayed while the girl rolled her luggage and walked away. It sucks that you are the one making the departure.
The huge one came when I entered the airport rails to the boarding gates, when these old Lolas and Lolos seated inside and merrily talking, in a language I cannot comprehend (even via context clues!).
I was wondering, why do I keep on leaving..? I mean before, whenever I leave, I feel excited or light and happy. But then again I thought, what about those being left? What if… I become part of the other side — the woman who stays and waits?
I realized, we need to treasure every “now” that we hold in our hands. We have to be brave in unfolding ourselves, and drop those inhibitions. So that when they leave, we don’t regret. Or…
We regret less, and we wait more.
BGC High Street at 3AM
They say that loneliness comes in waves. A variety of sizes, a plethora of sounds. Sometimes, it appears as a ripple. Like a little crystal between the toes, being playful. In rare instances, they come in huge waves, like you are in a little kayak in the middle of the sea.
As I was walking the city at 3AM, the little ripples came knocking at my senses. It started to build up, and when I opened the door — the huge wave surprised me. I felt like I was drowning, but my feet kept walking on the concrete. I was haunted. My doubts and fears… those anxieties that you thought you never could have…
The heart started to beat fast, the chest started to heave sighs, the sight started to blur.
Little did I know, I was crying.
I talked to God. And I whispered this deepest fear at the moment… On what to do next, do I take it logically, should I be analytical on things and such. But there’s no answer. All I did was cry and sigh and walk. I think I was like a soldier becoming tired of getting through the day. Heck, tired of getting through life. And yet, I remembered Lolo’s story:
In waves, one must learn total surrender, and the art of dance.
And so I danced with the waves coming and going. Suddenly, all of it just melted away. Like the battle of storm clouds finally ended, and the waves became little ripples again. But this time, they are subtle and at peace.
My heart became at ease.
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