Essays and Works in Progress

Kung Hindi Ako Banker, Ako Ay Writer

14 February 2025
16F Social Lounge #TheBank

Dear M—,

I saw these people and they seem to mock me at my introduction with this newest director in the office:

“Hi, I am Ella. And I am humbly bragging that I am the first woman that US onshore team hired in Managed Platforms Services — and still not moving about! If I am not a banker, I will be a writer — Shaping Pinoy Literary landscape, one story at a time.”

Masama kaya ang magkaroon ng ganoong klaseng vision sa mundong ginagalawan ko? Pasalamat nga sila hindi pa ako nagre-resign eh. I protect my work-life balance because I don’t want to be like them: working long hours and getting hungry, and for zero net benefit. Puyat ka na nga, surang-sura ka pa.

Goodness, I am even underpaid at this point! CPAs within my circle are the leads of professional diaspora and brain drain. Exploring Singapura, Malta, and Luxembourg! Those who stayed have other mouths to feed because they chose to have it so, and yet, they flourish in their respective family lives.

Bigla kong naiisip yung si Nase, the “Pinuno” behind the Ppop sensation. Way back before 2016, he went to UP and attended that Phil-Korean Friendship Summit, came out with a passion and a purpose: na sana, ang Pilipinas ay parang South Korea. Namamayagpag ang export ng sining at kultura, at nagiging source ng turismo ang bawat kanta.

Naisip ko, ganito rin ba ang naiisip nya nang sumubok sya sa auditions ng ShowBT? Habang nilalagari ang paghahanapbuhay bilang Corporate Slave at paghabol sa pangarap, paano siya lumapit sa mga kapamilya niya para lang maging dedicated sa kanyang craft? Pareho naman kaming may suntok sa buwan na purpose sa mundo ah! Hindi naman siguro masama yun. Gusto ko rin ang reach ni Bob Ong mismo! Si Bob Ong na malakas pa rin ang hatak sa mga mas batang henerasyon, ang humubog sa millenial generation sa pamamagitan ng pagkatha ng iba’t-ibang istilo ng pagkukwento.

“Shaping Pinoy Literary landscape, one story at a time.” May mga araw talaga na feeling ko hindi na ako meant dito sa workplace, pero I cannot afford to leave. If that guy has a family to go back to— I don’t. I honestly don’t. In a world where there is class A employee who can simply retire and be a stay-at-home wife, I cannot afford to fail. Heck, I cannot even afford to marry and have a kid! I am old to birth a son, too old to date men poorer than what I earn, and I am heaving in this long apocalypse of hyperinflated prices and a hyperventilate-inducing anxiety.

Gusto ko lang kumuda nang ganito kahaba para lang mawala na ang pagkaasar ko sa tingin ng mga tao sa akin na hindi naniniwala sa pagpapakilala ko sa tao. Kung ayaw nila maniwala, eh di hatdog sa kanila. Basta ako, may purpose na ako. Ito ang paraan ko ng pagbuo sa sarili ko at dahilan sa bawat pagbangon.

Radyo Core Memory

Noong elementary kami, pinagsulat kami ng tula sa schoolpaper tungkol sa diwa ng EDSA. Apat kaming gumawa ng korido na pinuno ng pagtutulad at metapora, tapos may dalawa pang additional entry na solong gawa. Nang maipasa yun ng teacher namin sa DZRH radio, naging segment pa ang aming likha na ibo-broadcast ng Sabado, alas-diyes ng gabi.

Mahirap ang recording pala. Paulit-ulit. Hindi namin alam ang magiging tunog namin sa airwaves. Kaya nang sinabi ng host na dapat may bigat ang pagbigkas at may alimpuyo, nailabas ko lahat ng hugot at practice ko sa sabayang pagbigkas. Nang marinig ng pamilya ko ang broadcast, nagulat din kami kasi parang tunog ng galit na umiiyak ang naitula ko. Hindi ko ni-recite ang tulang likha ko; tula sya ng kaklase kong hindi makakarating sa araw ng recording. Ika nga, backup vocal ako. Ang tula niya ay pagkukwento ng mass movement circa ’86, kung saan nag-krus ang mga manggagawa at mga sundalo na tila aso’t pusa, at may isang bathalang saksi na hindi mawari kung ito ay tutulong o hindi.

Ngayon, hindi na ako mahilig mag-radyo, kasi napakadaling access na ang spotify at youtube para sa mga video podcasts at tugtog. Natunaw na ang pagba-bonding sa radyo. Tila katulad na rin ito ng pagtunaw ng diwa ng People Power: nagkawatak-watak, naghati-hati, at ang Mama Mary sa EDSA corner Ortigas ay nakatunganga lang… at nananatiling saksi.

Puso and Moment-moment

Published in the Literary Tuesdays of Mountain Beacon

Code Blue

My beloved is loving again. 
Not with my letters. 
Not with my pictures.
But with that Emergency Room. 

Again.


SLEX

I do not know how to drive. But that night, I have found out two things: (1) You hear the need to change oil by the engine hum; and (2) In this expressway we overtake on the left. After being alone for years, you let those cars passed, while I sit with this stillness, letting the roaring cars deafen our stable hum. At that moment, we have created our own little bubble floating in its own pace. Inside are two overaged high schoolers feeling nervous and giddy when they clasped each other’s hands for the first time.

Eyes are on the road while our ears are seizing the all these details: hums, roars, honks… and our beating hearts.


Talking Stage

What constitutes a good conversation? Up to what extent should a talk be THE TALK? Are scheduled questions enough? Are daily updates sufficient?
Should we engage in outpouring our sentiments EVERY DAY?

It is what it is — a routine. A breakout from banality of being Corporate Slaves (capitalized, because CAPITALISM). We do not have to be hipsters and expound the question of:
“Kumain ka na ba?”

Come on! Yes, we do crave connections, but what if the other side is not as eloquent as you? Do you demand an answer in a form of:
“I see a couple focused on their phones as they eat and drink, seeking connections from faraway distances, rather than focusing on what’s 5 inches beyond the handheld.”

Tita na ako kaya HUWAG KANG OA.
“Mamaya” is good enough.

XLB

Published in the Literary Tuesdays of Mountain Beacon

Sa wakas, magkasama na tayo. Kasabay ng pagsikip ng Ongpin ay ang pagpasyal sa Cafe Mezzanine. Excited na akong matikman ang xiao long bao! Ako ang iyong Fire Tiger —matapang, malakas ang loob, at puno ng sigla. At ikaw ang aking Water Pig —kalma, mapagbigay, at mabait.

“Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na nandito ka na,” sabi ko, medyo matinis pa ang boses dahil sa labis na kilig. Noon, hanggang messenger lang ang usap, at hindi ko akalain na darating ang araw na magkakasama kita sa isang mesa. Ngumiti ka, kalmado ang mga mata. “Worth it lahat ng paghihintay,” sagot mo, habang hinahalo ang hot and sour soup.

Ilang sandali ng katahimikan—hindi dahil sa kawalan ng masasabi, kundi dahil sa lalim ng ating pagkakaintindihan. Ang apoy ko nasusupil ng malamig na tubig mo, at ang tubig mo ay pinapainit ng kasiglahan ko. Sa bawat kagat ng dumpling, sa bawat tinginan, batid natin ang dating layo ng distansya ay natunaw na—katulad ng mantikang bumabalot sa ating mga labi.

Tadhana Tuesdays, Progressive Takes

I went to Makati last night to give some stuff to Lyra: her backpack (helped me in traversing Japanese countryside) and a Christmas gift from Jhana. The commute from my little home should be lighter than most of the working class from the North (since I live in the strategic center of the Metro) but every time I decide to use the main artery called EDSA, it feels like I am embarking in a long concrete jungle trek just to get to the Ayala Triangle. Ever since the pandemic lockdowns, I have zero idea on the ways of the commute along the Makati Central Business District; it has become a sea of SUVs and lots of crawling kamote riders at the seams, like a mix of US and Vietnam warring the roads of Paseo and Buendia and other one-way avenues like HV Dela Costa.

Seeing the OG Phil Stock Exchange in Makati is unpleasant. Andaming tent! Nawala ang bisa ng pagkakalikha sa kanya bilang malawak na open space dahil lang sa hindi ko tukoy na event. The mini-enclave is hospital-white coded. Hindi ko alam kung may laboratory ba ng MPOX sa loob, o may kasal, o sadyang gawa-gawang pook-kainan ng mga burgis. I told Lyra to meet me in Paseo Center instead, a little waypoint of corporate employees for their lunch breaks and meriendas. I remember this building in my college years as I traverse the same business district looking for respondents in our Tacsiapo feasibility study, its thesis being “the main community to address stress and anger management,” a transgressive buzzword before the surge of the call centers and financial BPOs in the Pinoy business landscape.

I sat inside the Pho Hoa, addressing the need for protein and carbohydrates. My body wanted a replenishment from the trek. And on that trek I realized that I was building a fan fiction: a delulu lore of being an International banker. With the experience of policy papers, I’ve become the passenger princess while this specific bias is my driver. We tagged this as a “Cultural Meeting”, but it’s a one-on-one fan meet. A curated conversation with this specific musician who graduated in my university, reshaped the OPM landscape via PPOP, and him seeking funding with the vision of “Iaangat ang ekonomiya sa pamamagitan ng mga nililikhang musika at katha.” And this scenario is strategically placed in EDSA corner Ortigas Ave, when I randomly sighed “heto na naman si Edsang Cajabaan” while mulling over the ways we can channel his vision into a 25-year Official Development Assistance.

Suddenly, I opened my organizer and added this specific prompt as the fourth item of my to-do list for submissions.


Thanks to Lyra and her husband’s SUV, we have combated the traffic and she drop me off to my next event place in Kalayaan. In Hoseik Manila, I met Justine alone in the farthest bench, an hour before the event starts. He mentioned about the Vivo brothers, mute and waiting on the opposite side. I’d have to bank in my affiliation as the book club moderator and say hello. Pero, hindi ko makilala ang mga tao dahil wala akong salamin, at madilim — ano bang meron sa bar na ito kundi dim lighting? Kung hindi ko pa tatanungin yung mga nakaupo, hindi pa sila maghe-hello. Buti na lang pala at extrovert ako. Bulag nga lang.

Ang cool lang ni sir Nal (tawagin ko na ba syang boss Vivo? Kasi naman, parating tawag sa akin nun ay Ms. Ella). We talked about the direction of this writers org for Pasig City, and how we can tackle and move the community from its annual writing workshops to quarterly folios, and widen its reach to the aspiring young writers via literary engagements. Also, I told him that I intentionally invited him with the other younger writers who can sit with those aligned with the academe and public institutions, as I desire to make a workshop bring out a new way of storytelling: employing mobilities, newer vernaculars and inclusivity in code-switching. He had high hopes, as this will be his first formal workshop as a panelist in a roster of multiple fellows in various genres. He jested that if I winged the 2025 summer workshop and be able to introduce a new philosophy contrasting today’s academic landscape, “tinalo mo pa ang UP Writers workshop!”

With our exchange of ideas and sentiments on current Pinoy literary landscape and its readership (and patronage?), magkakaroon na kami ng bagong episode sa Book Talakayan podcast. Sayang hindi ko nai-record ang lahat ng ito. Isa pa, super busy na ng aming creative director (kaya matagal nang hiatus ang nasa spotify).

He nudged me to ask questions to Ricky Lee, being the main guest for that night’s event of spoken word poetry and sparking the interest and honing the craft, but I became hesitant, responding with, “Sa book club na lang, mas friendly pa sa mga basher na katulad ko.” We listened as the National Artist repeats his lores of script-writing and storytelling. A student asked and sir Ricky answered, “Ilabas mo lang yan, isuka mo yang mga naiisip mo. Saka na ang pagpapaganda; ang mahalaga, naisulat mo.” Vivo chimed in and he echoed the same sentiment, saying that even though some academics say that you are introducing a different idea to the world, as long as you release a craft, you can feel relief. You can feel whole again.

Our conversations jumped from opinions of the pinoy creative writing from our younger years, and how to introduce a new ethos with the insertion of short media, infusion of music and film / tv series, and how to execute movements in the prose. Special mention: Bebang’s REELiterature, building bookish features and creative nonfiction entries via facebook videos. As usual, I cannot help but share my reading experiences with the long forms and how it influenced my way of writing stories through the “Creative Nonfiction slant”, its art of restraint and its slow movement as a haven to create a first-person view of things from a higher elevation. I told him that it takes a huge toll on my stamina, as I do not rage-write, a polar opposite of his writing rhythms and the birth of the Dreamland trilogy. He candidly shared about his one-on-one mentorship with the students taking thesis on the MA Creative Writing, and he often asked the young, “Tinuturuan ba kayo ng iba pang istilo ng pagsusulat?” and more often than not, the latter would answer in the same manner as my reading experience: building a universe ala-Noli, but nothing is happening, prose is becoming slow-burning, with a high risk of crash-and-burn at the latter part of the work. Worse, it becomes stagnant.

I asked if he has a life-hack on making people move in his stories, and his insight that I picked in his anecdotes was about the auditory engagement. Almost after he mentioned about earworms being an organic element to a song, a poet shared his story on writing 80 pages that looked like a film script but actually a short story, his voice echoed as sharp as the violet laser light in the dimmed space. Out of curiousity, I stood and looked for the man but Vivo stopped me saying, “Huwag mong hanapin, pakinggan mo lang. Umupo ka lang at pakinggan.” I wasn’t attentively listening to whatever the man said, but I was actively noting the timbre, the assertive tone, and his sub-woofing vocal range in the microphone. That poet can be a voice artist dubbing Sid Lucero, taglish-ing the conflict of his quick-witted mind versus the typing skills, the ideas quickly falting and not plotting properly into the paper.

I guess that little snippet gave me an idea to engage in other forms of art and channel the same velocity to the drafts I am creating for my submissions. Perhaps this time around, I can channel the writing rage, and rather than just dumping quotations and conversations of the characters, I can do a drill of thrashing the craft with multitudes of verbs and adjust my scenarios to a spree, engaging a third-person point of view and work it like a camera lens, its level as grounded and with the world. It does take a lot of unlearning from the slow-burns and musings.

Little breaks happened after the talks and guests of the spoken word segments, some picture taking here and there, and before the Vivo brothers exit the scene, we have our picture taken.

From left to right: Ronnel Vivo, Ronaldo Vivo, Ella, Justine Taño, Rickly Lee
Yung tinapik ko lang si sir Ricky Lee tas sabi ko, “Sir dali, pa-picture po tayo, sayang naman.” HAHAHA! Tapos biglang kinalabit ko si Alfonso Manalastas para kuhaan kami ng picture.
Napakabait ng mga tao sa resident basher ng Pinoy Reads Pinoy Books.

Sa lahat ng naging hanash namin sa event, bigla kong naisip ang magiging isa sa vision ng baby project na AGOS (Adhika ng Giting sa Obra at Sining) ng Pasig: Ang pagkakaroon ng kanlungan at bagtasan ng mga manunulat at mambabasa mula sa samu’t-saring strata ng Kapasigan, at tagapagpadaloy ng mga katha sa mga mamamayang hirap sa paghahanap ng ikukunsumong sining. Isa siyang magiging malaking waypoint (Genshin Impact reference) na magmamapa ng bagong paraan ng pagkukwento at pagbabanghay sa boses na progresibo.

“Bawat Kislap ng Mata Mo ay Ano?” 

Lo-fi Aesthetics, Lyrical Obscurity, and the Construction of Meaning in Contemporary OPM

The fluorescent lights of a specific supermarket in Estancia Estates buzzed, casting a sterile glow over the meticulously arranged aisles. It was a Sunday afternoon, the air thick with multiple aisles of household needs — meat and vegetables, to kitchen cleaning items, up to the beauty section in the middle of the toiletries and toilettes. I was there, ostensibly for groceries, targeting a PHP 1,500 spending, but to make my chore a bit interesting, I tuned to the melancholic melodies of Dionela, a new discovery, his music streaming from my phone, a small island of calm amidst the consumerist chaos. 

“Marilag” played, the familiar intro washing over me. But this time, something was different. I noticed the faint echo of an FM radio broadcast in the distance, a disembodied voice announcing the date: “September 20, 2005.” This unexpected intrusion, this ghost of a past broadcast, piqued my curiosity. Why this date? Was it a deliberate inclusion, a hidden message, or simply a sonic artifact, a byproduct of the lo-fi aesthetic that permeated his music? This seemingly insignificant detail, however, foreshadowed the disorienting experience that would soon unfold as I delved deeper into Dionela’s discography.

Dionela’s music, with its hazy textures and melancholic undertones, had quickly become the soundtrack to my life. It was the perfect accompaniment to my grocery shopping, the background music for my sacks of rice, the sonic balm for my anxieties with processed chicken and beef. Yet, as I delved deeper into his discography, a nagging unease began to surface.

The lyrics, while undeniably poetic, often felt… elusive. Lines like “D’Amalfi in a bar” and “Au in a Goose” floated by, intriguing yet ultimately meaningless. They were like cryptic messages in a bottle, beautiful in their obscurity, yet ultimately unsolvable. Was this intentional? Was Dionela deliberately aiming for ambiguity, inviting listeners to project their own interpretations onto his enigmatic verses?

This question, I realized, was the crux of my dilemma. Dionela’s music, with its emphasis on atmosphere and sonic texture, seemed to prioritize ambiance over narrative. The lo-fi aesthetic, with its intentional imperfections and grainy textures, created a sense of intimacy, a shared secret between the artist and the listener.

However, this emphasis on the sonic experience can sometimes overshadow the lyrical content. At its core, lo-fi is about finding beauty in the imperfect and unrefined. It is a counterpoint to the hyper-commercialized, overly produced content flooding mainstream media. Instead of striving for perfection, lo-fi embraces the raw, the unfinished, and the nostalgic.This emphasis on authenticity, on the imperfections of analog recording and the embrace of sonic imperfections, creates a sense of intimacy and authenticity. It invites the listener to “get closer,” to appreciate the nuances and subtleties of the sound.  

While the lo-fi aesthetic champions the beauty of the imperfect, it should not come at the expense of the authenticity of the lyrical message. Furthermore, the listening experience was disjointed by my own tendency to mishear lyrics. I vividly remember mishearing the line “Ibigin ka’y drama sa teatrong upua’y limitado, Bawat kislap ng mata’y kawalan, oo” as “Ibigin kita’y drama sa upuang ginawa mo, bawat kislap ng mata mo ay ano?” This mishearing, while seemingly minor, significantly altered the meaning of the song for me, highlighting the importance of clear and concise lyricism in conveying the intended message.

In Dionela’s “Sining,” the phrases like “Pinasala’y ikinamada / mo Binibining may Salamangka” felt incongruous with the otherwise smooth flow of the music, as if a disaster should be manually organized by fictitious persona. The juxtaposition of the archaic ‘ikinamada’ with the modern, almost casual phrasing of ‘Binibining may Salamangka’ creates a sense of dissonance, undermining the intended emotional impact of the song. This disjointedness, further exacerbated by the occasional miss of the musical beat, hinders the listener’s ability to fully connect with the lyrical message. Moreover, the phrase “You’ve turned my limbics into a bouquet” felt not only grammatically and medically impossible (limbic system is a singular noun that controls (1) Behavior, (2) Emotion, (3) Motivations, and (4) Memory), but also metaphorically jarring, its attempt at poetic flourish coming across as pretentious and ultimately distracting.

This elusiveness, while perhaps intentional, can be frustrating for listeners. In a world saturated with information and instant gratification, the demand for immediate comprehension and clear meaning is strong. Dionela’s music, with its emphasis on ambiguity and the subjective interpretation, can challenge this expectation, potentially alienating listeners who crave a more direct and accessible form of communication. “Oksihina,” in particular, became a personal pet peeve. Aside from gender-bending the Tagalog word for the Oxygen, the song title has been stylized in a Filipino slang that can be mistaken as a Japanese loan word. In my mind I asked, “If the muse is Oksihina, then what is the persona – a Carbon Dioxide?” The lyrics, we felt, were fragments of thought, poetic musings that lacked a cohesive narrative. They were beautiful, yes, but ultimately frustrating in their ambiguity. Also, the deliberate insertion of the bridge to mask it as a hidden message is only a reversed typeset of the first stanza from his lesser famous song “Musika”. It may be amusing to the other listeners (and can highly be mistaken as a regional language), but what is the intent of inserting a totally different concept and not even a tangent with the muse being the reason of existing? Am I missing the point? Am I too caught up in the search for meaning, for a clear and concise narrative, to appreciate the beauty of the ambiguity?

Perhaps this was the point. Maybe Dionela was not concerned in telling stories in as much as he was interested in creating moods, in evoking emotions. Maybe the music was not about conveying a specific message; it was about creating an atmosphere, an emotional landscape for the listener to explore. The “meaning” was not in the lyrics themselves, but in the quirks between the notes, in the way the music interacted with the listener’s own internal world. These lyrical oddities, while perhaps intentional, served to disrupt the flow of the music and hindered my emotional connection with the song. It felt as if Dionela was more concerned with impressing the listener with his gimmicky vocabulary and hipstery-malalim-na-tagalog allusions than with conveying a genuine, authentic message. These seemingly random and often obscure references served only to distract and frustrate. They felt like buzzwords, designed to impress rather than to communicate. I found myself constantly searching for hidden meanings, trying to decipher the cryptic messages, but ultimately feeling more lost than enlightened.

Dionela’s linguistic gymnastics, reminiscent of Facebook and TikTok influencers using deep words and non-vernacular vocabulary to seemingly uplift the authenticity of the work, ultimately backfired. The artificial mix of old Filipino words with a totally new slang, coupled with the misalignment of lyrics with the musical beat, created a sense of dissonance that disrupted the intended emotional impact. This “brain rot pattern,” as I have come to call it, was further glazed with a low fidelity tune that becomes relaxing and numbing between the left and right ears, subliminally making you ignore the poetics of the craft. After all, lo-fi is supposed to vibe and not critic.

After picking that 5-kilogram sack of Jasmine Rice, I went straight to the cashier. The musical experience mirrored my tape receipt. The spending of PHP 3,343.18 doubled the initial budget, driven by a strange impulse fueled by the same kind of “lo-fi” experience – the soothing background music, the dim lighting, the effortless flow of the shopping cart. I emerged from the supermarket with a mountain of unnecessary items – a surplus of paper towels, a collection of hair ornaments I did not need, and, most tragically, no broccoli for my planned stir-fry. My Sunday experience mirrored the effect of Dionela’s music – a pleasant, even enjoyable experience, ultimately leading to a sense of disconnect from my original purpose and a slight feeling of regret.

Perhaps we are in a dystopic social media phase where we must re-engage with an art that numbs us from the realities of the world. The allure of the lo-fi aesthetic, with its promise of authenticity and intimacy, can inadvertently mask a deeper engagement with the art itself. In the pursuit of creating a “mood,” we may be inadvertently sacrificing the power of storytelling, the ability of art to challenge, to provoke, to truly resonate with the human experience.

A Look at Life and Love through Hiking Trails

Book Review: You are Here by David Nicholls

Upon receiving the kindle version of this novel, I thought to myself, “Wow, this could be my new life manual”, and I harked at the imagination because (1) I expected this to have less passionate and more pragmatic leads, and (2) I haven’t hiked Cumbria, only Pulag (and other mountain regions of Luzon) and Japanese alps.

The topography of the walking trails seemed to be wet and muddy even on the UK Summer as I read along, and it kind of contributed to the charming vibe of the reading experience. Marnie, the copyeditor who attained the WFH gig post pandemic lockdowns, finally embarked on a trip to the Northern England as she was seemingly forced by her friend Cleo (because the latter wanted the former to be “out there”), and met Michael, the geography teacher who has a complicated marriage.

What I find fascinating about this novel is how David inserted the narratives of the characters in the trails, describing the mood and the cadence of the story with the section of the trails they traverse. It’s very much different with Philippine mountains and terrains, but I am a bit envious that he was able to infuse the socially awkward conversations, and gushing then to lashing and those silent heaving moments. I remember hiking Batolusong with a tinder date and I only have heaves and sighs and random “tara, magpicture tayo dun!” because the mountains of Rizal is very hot in the summer. Maybe trekking Cumbria for ten days is good to win over a random friend (or a potential romance), or at least a good checkpoint if your special someone is still into you.

With all these walks, I find myself relatable to Marnie, as she has okay livelihood, sometimes sadgurl but oftentimes content. She has the discipline and a strong work ethic, hyperfocused on the deadline, and there are moments that she wakes up and simply looked at the ceiling. She has the moments where she is wary of romance, some snippets of curating her anecdotes, and trying her best to compartmentalize her breakdowns. What I can advise Marnie is that she can schedule her “crying session”. That way, she can be more productive when deadline is nearing, haha.

I also liked the open-ended tone of the novel, very much different from my OG life manual called One Day. Practicalities do come as a higher priority when you get older. Nonetheless, you have all the right to be hopeful and YOLO. I enjoyed my long and in-and-out reading pace because I have the leeway to check Cumbria on Googlemaps and hopefully save up some money to simulate the same in the future.

Kilome-kilome-kilometer Zero

Book Review: Kilometer Zero by Josue Mapagdalita

“Ella, kahit wala kang kotse, bakit kabisadong-kabisado mo ang dinadaanan natin?” Ito ang naging tanong ng isang officemate nang hinatid ko papuntang Ugong, ang barangay malapit sa aking maliit na bahay. Nang mabanggit kong nabatak ako ng patok jeep hits ng Stop N Shop-Cogeo ay natawa na lang sila dahil sa kwento ng nakabibingin biyahe na tumatagal dahil sa tindi ng trapik.

Tulad ng aklat na ito, ang haba ng binayahe ko:

1. Nakita ang sample sa Philippine Book Festival

2. May nagchismis sa PBF na mahilig magparaffle ang manunulat (kaya hindi binili)

3. Umasa sa Nakita sa Booksale pero Hindi Binili (wala pa rin akong badge!!!)

4. Nagdownload ng PDF format mula sa page ni Josue Mapagdalita (pero ang gulo ng PDF stamp sa bawat pahina)

5. Umasa ulit sa ikalawang raffle ni Nakita sa Booksale keme ang dami ko pang nai-tag na tao, nandamay na

6. Nanalo ng ibang libro sa Akdang Pinoy

7. Nag-binge hike sa Japan

8. Sumuko na at bumili na ng signed copy (salamat sa pa-message! sobrang na-appreciate ko!!!)

Ngl, nang mabasa ko ang unang kwento, nasa isip ko na baka pang-Young Adult ito — typical for teenager readers. Samahan mo pa ng makulay na pabalat ng aklat. Mapapa-uwu ka if teenager ka, pero sa tulad kong konting pikit bago ang kwarenta ay medyo na-weirduhan sa sarili. “Clickbait ba ito? Baka puru ganito, hugot na naman ba ito? Recycled content na ata ito eh!” Pero katulad ng bawat commute, samu’t-saring danas pala ang maba-vibes mo sa bawat kwento. Best to read the book one story per commute. Maganda talaga syang bitbit sa iyong byahe, na kaysa maburyo ka sa pagpila sa terminal, or mapasinghal ka sa puru pulang kotse ang nakikita sa daan, eh mahihigop ka sa mga sansaglit na sentimyento ng bawat dagli. Bigla kong naalala ang Suong ni Gerome Nicolas Dela Peña – ang koleksyon ng kanyang mga tweet. At gaya ng sa Suong, pwedeng simulan sa gitna ang aklat, tapos pwedeng mag-lipat-lipat. Dahil kung tutuusin, ang bawat biyahe natin ay hindi isang sprint, kundi isang marathon — isang combo ng samu’t-saring uri ng lakad at takbo.

Nagustuhan ko ang mabilis na dama ng sensibilidad, dahil naging intensyon pala ng manunulat na walang gender ang mga tauhan. Without gender assignments, we can lure ourselves in the stories with the touch of our personal histories and sagas. At mas nagustuhan ko ang “alingawngaw” ng koleksyon. Mula sa personal na hugot ng pag-ibig, lumalawak ang boses sa mas malaking mga bagay sa paligid: ang iba’t-ibang baitang ng manggagawang uri; ang hindi pagtuong-pansin sa ating personal na lagay (Mental Health) sa ngalan ng pag-grind; ang pagtalikod sa pinagmulang bayan at pangarap sa ngalan ng mas maalwal na buhay; at ang natitirang pait ng mga lumisan sa iyong buhay (Side note: sobrang nadali ako ng kwento na may biyaheng Sucat, nalungkot ako sa sarili kong mga college friends na hindi na nagkikita mula noong rehimeng Duterte, pero bago ang 2016 ay ang hilig na naming magreklamo kapag papuntang Town).

Sa larawang ito, nasa likod ng librong ito ang aming barangay hall. At base sa google maps, 18km ito mula sa Kilometer Zero. Wala lang, share. Pero maraming salamat sa akdang ito. Na-pwera-usog ang kagusutuhang kumpletuhin ang personal na sanaysay ng mga ligalig at lakbay (na hopefully, matapos ko nang matindi-tindi kasi puru pa rin sample size ang naipapasa, haha!)

The Forestry of Fiction

A Book Talakayan of Glenn Diaz’s Yñiga

Last Saturday, September 28, Pinoy Reads Pinoy Books (PRPB) discussed the Glenn Diaz’s second book, Yñiga for our Book Talakayan for the month. A contrast from the previous months, the book was a bit heavier on theme and discussion was done more intimately. Nontheless, we were able to spark the interest of our new book club attendess to chime in and get personal with the author about how he created the novel, its underlying themes and the process of building its series of events. We held the discussion in Harong Cafe, the headquarters of the Human Rights and People Empowerment Center (HRPEC).

We opened the discussion with the introduction of the new joiners, letting them say their horoscope signs and names of their pets if they have one. Like Yñiga who leans more on the horoscope, I prefer to know the demographics of the attendess so that I can leverage the temperament of the discussion.

The first question that comes to mind: how did the book emerge? Glenn answered that his second book is a manuscript out of his doctorate thesis from University of Adelaide, proving that the forest can be a setting, a novel’s design, and a device of discourse about the deep-rooted history of social activism, counter-insurgency, and our personal and collective traumas. “It’s like another thesis defense again!” Glenn gasped, as he talked about the Qualitative and the Academic nuances of the novel before traversing the creative pursuit. As an accountant with no experience in presenting qualitative thesis, I found this fascinating.

Unlike the first novel focusing on interweaving narratives, Yñiga focused more on the interweaving of timelines and in its spiral prose style. Glenn honestly mentioned about the thought process of trauma, quoting Lenin, “one step forward, two steps back.” The discussion was like paving a new walking path to the forestry of Glenn’s fiction, as Yñiga’s winding narrative requires patient exploration. Readers have to weave through the long paragraphs and sentences that doesn’t explicitly show if one is an internal dialogue or otherwise. Glenn trusted the readers to navigate the slow-burn prose. He candidly said, “Yñiga is like an edging reading experience”. When asked about memorable scenes, Glenn was personally proud of the “sepia moments”: those cinematic shots of Yñiga’s childhood flashing forward to her present, minutes before the suspense.

The members asked and commented about a different take of feminism in the novel; how the women were very much involved in the community and how it pales their personal relationships. Jayson also mentioned that despite Yñiga being an unlikeable character and being distant to the events that go on around her, and yet it contrasts to the lyrical beauty of the prose. Julian, an editor, mentioned about the sense of community in one of the important events of the novel. Perry asked about Glenn’s experience of putting a logical discourse to a craft seamlessly as this was manifested in the novel. Krystine, a new attendee, asked about the impression of using English as the main language of the novel as this would cater foreign readers more than to fellow Filipinos. Capping the discussion, Kwesi asked what’s next for Glenn, what are some of the project/s he is working on, or if he will write a novel in Filipino.

I closed the Book Talakayan with a jest of the “and so on and so forth”, Glenn’s inflections as a podcast co-host. Some picture-taking and book signing came after. In my mind, this quote from his other work When the World Ended I Was Thinking About The Forest resonated with the day’s book discussion, “I think what I’m trying to do is turn the uncertainty into a clearing; the terror, into a project. (A kaingin.)”

Glenn did it. Yñiga is his kaingin.

Nakakapagod na Kapangyarihan

Book Review of Ang Kapangyarihang Higit sa Ating Lahat by Ronaldo S. Vivo Jr.

Ang hirap.

Parang nanganay ako sa pagbabasa ng aklat na ito. Ganito ba talaga ang transgressive fiction? Masyadong nakakulong, at ang hirap i-ire at kumawala sa mundong ginagalawan nina Dodong, Buldan, Butsok, Marife, Myla, Atong, Jepoy at ng mga tsismosang kapitbahay na takot na takot makanti ng pulis.

Nakakatuwa lang na nadadama ko yung mapangahas na panulat ni Ronaldo Vivo at yung rigor nya sa paglikha. Na itong mismong Dreamland ay gustung-gusto na niyang isulat at ipakilala sa mundo. Nadama ko yung kawalang-tulog para mai-type at maiipon ang materyal, ang kawalang-pake sa paulit-ulit na mekanismo ng eksena ng panghahalay sa kapwa babae at lalake, ang pag-rehash ng pamamaraan ng pagpaslang at pagsisilid ng item, at kung paano niya naitagpi ang lahat at inilagay sa isang lalagyan. Nabigatan lang ako siguro dahil nasanay ako sa sensibilidad at relatability ng Bangin, at tila ayoko na rin balikan ang naging mga kwento ni Mama noong bata pa ako sa looban ng Pasay at mga gedli ng Pineda. Mahirap maging mahirap.

Nakakamangha at nakakatawa na may mga buong boses ang manunulat sa ibang mga eksena nito. Kapag narinig mo si Boss Vivo sa isang panayam, o kahit sa mga status nya sa facebook, malalaman mong sa kanya ang tinig. Ito ang halimbawa:

Ang hirap sa mga nasa posisyon, akala nila lahat ng tao ay kaya nilang ululin. Putsa, kahit mga tubong looban na hindi nasayaran ng edukasyon ang kukote, marunong ding mag-isip. Nagkataon lang na sila ang inarmasan ng gobyerno kaya ang lalakas ng loob ng mga putang ina, mga lasing sa kapangyarihan. Bawal magsabing kung anumang nasa isip, lalo kung ‘di maganda sa pandinig nila, dahil wala naman ni ga-kulangot na tutong na magandang msasabi tungkol sa kanila. Kaya ang mangyayari, mananahimik na lang kaysa tinggaan sa ulo.

Mas lalo akong natakot sa ginagalawan kong realidad dahil magsa-sampung taong gulang na ang libro, pero hindi pa rin nagbabago ang kahayupan ng kapulisan, at ang paningin sa mga maralita na parang basura lamang. Na tunay ngang ang mga nasa laylayan ang nagpapatayan habang ang mga nasa kapangyarihan ang nagpapakasasa ng kaban ng bayan.