Essays

Hajimete no Onsen Taiken

(My very first Onsen experience)

08 October 2025
19:15
Yol Guesthouse
Takeo City, Saga Prefecture

In the same entrance I found myself excited to try this Town’s proof of jumping back to its pre-lockdown years: Onsen is now back for business!

Takeo Onsen is a sleepy town. Like Hida City in Gifu. Two main differences are: Onsen is more famous in Takeo and Beef is better in Gifu.

In the genkan I find myself being lost with two sets of lockers: One for the outside shoes, the other for your phone and other valuables. Turned out, you cannot use your phone inside. Let alone take photos upon entering the Moto Yu bathhouse. I find myself lost, yet again, in a community of obaachans bringing their luxurious soaps and serums, their designer bags locked away with the ¥100 old-style coin locker. Turned out, yet again, I was the most morena and the most fuwa-fuwa (plumpiest) contender to do the ceremony. I was also the dumbest: I forgot my personal care set from the coin locker. I only brought my adaptability life skill and a towel strip for my hair.

At the wash area, there are two huge bottles, free to use. The Liquid body wash and the combined shampoo and conditioner are on standby. I hope I won’t get dandruff agter using these Japanese concoctions on my scalp.

While shampooing I caught myself being stared at by the obaachan on my right. Was she sizing me up? Do I look like gaikokujin enough? Even though I lacked the expertise of reading kanji, I can speak their language… nanto naku. Somehow.

When I was about to execute the script in my head with “Shiitsure desu ne,” or in Tagalog, “Nakakabastos naman ate,” a voice from my far left said something like [Going to the pool]. But with a Hakata ben — a different sound from the Far East Tokyo (and their differing Keigo or Japanglish), or the midwest Kansai region (with statements ending with a meow sound).

Ahh. These obaachans must be friends.

After my intense wash and multiple use of the little basin to acclimitize my overweight physique, I fixed my hair. Then I covered it with the mini towel I brought, And finally, dipped my legs to the 44 celsius Onsen heat. It stings at first, not being used to the very hot pool, together with the risk of being easily dehydrated. Its first three minutes a painful reminder that we do not have this back home — that little posporo condo got no built-in heater in the shower — because I don’t want my electric bill to balloon with my never-ending mortgage! Then comes that soothing comfort, a scene from the anime shouting “woooh!!! kimochii!!!” and then the pause, just chilling and watching the steam take away the fatigue and the bad vibes.

The obaachan from before is about to join me in this large hot pool, yet stationed herself on the opposite end, sitting beside her “friend” (neighbor, perhaps?). Other obaachans went to the cooler section, their backs very red from where I am now seated.

These obaachans, I wonder if they do this regularly? Do they establish a routine of onsen trips? And if they do, won’t they feel awkward?

If Tricia and Lyra and I plan a trip together and go to an onsen as a culminating itinerary and a test of companionship, will they be absolutely delighted? Or will they respond with the polarizing take — being terrified? Aba’y paano na ang test of friendship na yan? Lol. Maybe at this point, it will be harder for it to come true, since both of them are already married — and one of them already have a boy having random fits of kakulitan and temper tantrums.

And maybe instead of waiting for the “culminating itinerary”, I went for it and experience the onsen in solitude.

ALONE X TOGETHER: A beauty that is transient and fleeting in a shared space. Sobremesa can be a nice ring to it, although the spanish loan-word is more apt to a dining table, a perfect setting to the current ordeal of writing a creative nonfiction with a Spanish-Japanese haafu eating bento in front of me. Konbanwa, ate!

I’d like to link this little onsen adventure as a wabi-sabi experience. After all, taking a bath is supposed to be a solitary activity. But onsen made it more unique, akin to a sense of community. Without speaking to each other, you share the same desire of removing fatigue and the same challenge of scrubbing your own back with the little towel one tows upon sliding the door open to the huge hot basin.

Flashing back to the logistics of the hot bath, one obaachan said she’ll go ahead and dry up. Upon standing I saw her very red back, her skin as perfect as the newly-cooked shrimp. Meanwhile, I stared at my legs and it looked like a perfectly roasted chicken: a reddish-brown specimen ready to be eaten. Ano raw?! Hahaha tama na nga! Hmn! I got myself changed and hair dried. Upon buying a cold bottle of fanta I saw the other obaachan and shouted “Oi! Ikku da tou!” Not directed to me, but to an old man watching the weather forecast for the next day, his wet hair too close to the TV.

And after a little post-onsen foot massage for ¥100, I exited the place.
Sleepy, yet tottemo satisfied.

A Little Letter A Minute After Three

Hello, what is Meta Professional mode? I just intend to keep the followers and friends from the past to be updated with whatever’s happening with me. Suddenly, tadah! There are offers for ads and “subscribe to Meta Verified”.

How is me, you wonder? Heto, pagod.

In the wee hours of morn, I am eating my leftover ramen while trying my best to finish the books I am currently reading (for Pinoy Reads Pinoy Books and Nakita sa Booksale pero Hindi Binili). I wasn’t able to write creatively at the moment since my mind is vexed from frustrations of the Corporate, topped with difficult Market movements of Late-stage capitalism and looming anxiety of 5 days onsite expected later this year.

I miss my amigas. We only touch-base in our group chats. I miss the PRPB after-parties and/or walwal nights. And I miss the moments when I can just grab my bag and hike Benguet mountain ranges, or go to Palawan to feel the sea breeze. I may live in a “ivory tower” away from the floods, but I am not invincible not to feel lonely (or be out of touch with reality. yet. I guess?)

You can actually see my bogsa moments in my instagram stories, my older entries in my personal website. Tiktok contents are stale. Maybe I can put a video out sometime this weekend.

I hope you are okay, dear friend. I may be TTTHHHHIIIISSSS tired, but I make a point to set a time to destress. I hope you do, too. Take care of your health. With leptospirosis and coughs and colds around us, I hope you get yourself some vitamins. Don’t forget to drink water. And never forget to rest.

Because when we rest, we dream. And the further we dream, we envision.

And then, we rage against the machine.

Limewash

20 April 2023

Dearest K,

Kumusta? After a long month of not communicating with you (in any way, btw), here I was, thinking of you while I was finishing up my DIY Project. I completed my accent wall today! Sure, there were naps and trashtalking and introspections in between, but painting seems to be therapeutic. It kept me grounded and present, always checking that the primer and the limewash paint will not harden; the continuous stirring and the conscious dipping of the brush makes it more of a task handed to be done. The repeated strokes are also meditative and measurable. The activity was predictable. I hope in time, like painting, we were able to meditate whatever happened in our lives in the past days, get the task on hand done, and feel proud of whatever we did. And also, to share it with someone who mattered.

Today, you do matter.

cross-post from the original blogspot content

Electorate Anxiety: 2022 Time Capsule

I was able to go back the prior facebook postings about PH elections and I wasn’t able to execute that long essay. Three years down the lane, I am, yet again, anxious.

***wishing to write a long essay about witnessing a police intimidating a voter first-hand, and how the ambience of going out at 5:30AM feeling like it was snap elections; me remembering F. Sionil Jose asking me why I voted for Duterte and I simply answered “Because I wanted to see the country burn on the grounds, so that the poor and the middle class will rise again and fight back”, and I added that “because we needed a bigger crisis than the status quo, so that we can spark a movement bigger than what was before”, and I remembered having the ODAs sinking our nation, my house undergoing a huge housing loan, and my angst with the lesser #pribilej having no access to insurance and friendly financing; plus the covid-19 pandemic and bb wearing plastic cover and paracetamol as his very first faceshield; how Benedict Exconde died not asking help for VP Leni’s e-consulta even though his friends asked for his behalf but because he did not give consent, he died; how we Filipinos are so divided because of our two-sided narratives and eaten up with disinformation and re-branding; and how this culminates to this #electionanxiety I am feeling that I just wanted to vomit all and kill/jail the Marcoses but in reality, I am walking the concrete jungle of BGC, looking at the patch of greenery across the Uptown mall and realizing “Tangina manalo si Leni o hindi, makukuha pa rin ng Megaworld ang tipak na lupa na ito at gagawing carpark”***

Sa kabila ng lahat, laban guys. Lumaban tayo bilang Pilipino.

Diary entry 04 May 2025 0350AM

Sent and unsent in IG after him reading everything. But this is a good material to continue writing about existential dreads and limbo moments.
Fcuk, I do have lots of material about it.

♫♪♫ Honey, you’re familiar
Like my mirror years ago ♫♪♫

I woke up in the wee hours of morn, realizing that whatever I have with you now, is a result of that letter-sending LDR lifestyle with an engineer in Riyahd before I met you.

Naalala ko lang nang magkita kami, hindi kami romantically swak.

He has dreams in Batangas, building a big ancestral home for his family, doing the ultimate breadwinner gig. I was about to settle for that lifestyle at that time, kasi wala akong mahanap na matinong lalake na lisensyado na may kotse at mataas ang net worth (Sorry, very pragmatic. Mataas din standard.)

Turned out, he was very DDS. Very blind.

Polarizing ang aming socio-political outlook. Maybe that’s why sa simula pa lang, hindi meant to be.

I was just on denial because I was looking at the possibilities.

Then when I broke up with you, because of this same LDR issue and you not really contacting me (and it still stings, from time to time) this random accountant suddenly appear in my IG memes, and he too is a successful accountant in Singapore (Exec Director for Tax Accounting, btw). LDR comms for months, pragmatic topics of him being the middle child with breadwinner duties in his large farmland in Nueva Ecija.

When we met, we became instant friends. Core memories formed, some moments became very sacred. It was a big deal for me at that time, I was broken na broken and questioning my life decisions. Even confided to him na okay ako na walang sexual contact, because I was looking for a life partner at 2023. I don’t even want a kid (kakahinga lang from raising 2 siblings, kaka-graduate lang ni bunso).

Turned out, he was gay. He liked men more. He even apologized for giving me a sob trope— I told him I wanted to meet him so that I can size myself up for the challenge.

Naisip ko, siguro kapag nagmamahal ako, may dalumat ng distansya — sa danas, sa damdamin, at sa desisyon.

With you, now— it’s me applying all these practices of feeling detached and feeling ignored. But somehow I can cope with the truth of legalities and traumas that I am trying to heal with. I see you sometimes as a “20’s na 50’s”, because you were too young to be a father, and you were traumatized by a failed romance.

Pareho tayong humahabol na balikan ang mga pagkakataong nawala sa atin noong bata, pero sa magkaibang paraan.

Like at this moment, I ask myself: kapag pinakasalan ko ba ito, will he settle with us opting to be childless? Because I am not sure if he’s up for the challenge. What made me unsure of you sometimes? I think it’s the romantic dynamic that we have.

Yes, I did decide that we should have no labels to protect my peace. And you perform exactly that — a fuck buddy. No dates, no anniversary. But sometimes, I feel conflicted kasi hindi nawawala ang inggit sa katawan. Gusto ko ring ibibida ka sa mga kaibigan ko, sa mga officemates ko, sa IG, may soft and hard launch. May patweetums moments na hindi ko alam if magagawa natin kasi pareho tayong awkward, haha!

I don’t know. Siguro naging big deal (sa akin) ang mga plano mong diaspora. At hindi nito basta pagsabi (sa akin). Gets ko naman yun. Mataas naman ang respeto ko sa desisyon mo.

I think more of a “me” thing?

Ako siguro ang may pagkukulang sa bagay-bagay kaya nagiging ganito ang lakad ng buhay.

Pero love kita. Totoo yung pa-iloveyou ko (and you not replying to it is understandable). I do feel conflicted. Siguro kapag tinanong mo ano ang gusto ko, sasagot ako at ang balik nun ay magso-sorry ka, kasi hindi mo kayang tugunan ngayon.

Kaya siguro ako ganito.

Pormularyo at Poetika

Noong nakaraang Pasko, nagkita-kita ang mga magkakapatid na Betos para sa isang munting salu-salo, at para ipakilala ng bunsong kapatid ang kanyang kasintahan sa amin. First time naming makikita ang dalaga. At sa aming limang magkakapatid, apat kaming nagkita-kita para sa hapunan at hapag-kwentuhan. Dalawa sa amin ay umuwi pa galing abroad (Si Kuya galing Germany, si Kiteh galing Japan).

Kasama ng mga pag-update sa kani-kaniyang buhay ay nabanggit ang kwento ng mga magulang: kung kumusta na ba sila ngayong lahat ng kanilang mga supling ay tuluyan nang lumikas sa malungkot na family home; usapang diaspora, kung sino sa aming natitirang dalawang magkapatid ang mananatili sa Pilipinas; at sa usaping paghahanda sa retirement, o pagkakasakit, o kung ito na ba ang aming magiging buhay sa mahabang mga taon. Hanggang sa naisama sa huntahan ang usapin ng mga magkakaibang antas ng gitnang uri: kung saan na ba kami nabibilang, kung kami man ay malayo na sa kinagisnang iskolar ng bayan (tatlo sa limang magkakapatid ay nag-kolehiyo sa pampublikong Pamantasan), at kung kami ba ay manantiling mulat at ang adhika ay pang-masa at lapat sa lupa.

Nalungkot ang bunsong kapatid.

“Ate, tibak man ako noon, pero anong magagawa nating mga nilalamon na ng Corporate? We need to grind, because we need to live. Malungkot nga lang kasi, after all those years from student activism, I am slowly becoming the one I have sworn to hate.”

Naisip ko, ganun ba kaliit ang mundo ng gitnang uri? Malawig ito, at may mga tao at pamilyang may mas “aware” sa mga access na natatamo nila bilang may-kaya. Humupa ang lungkot nang masabi ko sa kanya na kailangan lang niyang maging malapit sa mga kaibigan na nakakaramdam ng parehong dilemma.

“Katulad ng friend mo na nag-shift, tignan mo, gina-grind din niya ang isang karera na taliwas sa grinadweyt mo.” Ang naturang kaibigan ni JB (palayaw naming sa bunsong kapatid), ay may condo sa BGC, nag-aaral sa UP ng ibang kurso. Nabanggit ko rin na kailangan niya lang ng community as “accountability buddy” o magiging tanggulan mo sa iyong personal na ideolohiya at bahagi ng iyong moral compass kung ang puso mo ay nalalayo na sa pagmamahal mo sa bayan.

Natawa rin ako sa sarili dahil marami akong naging adhika nang ako ay magsimula as Banker sa malaking korporasyon: nariyan ang Pinoy Reads Pinoy Books (PRPB) na nagpo-promote ng diwa ng pagbabasa at pagbu-book review bilang pagsasanay sa pagbabasa nang may pagsusuri; at may isang writer’s group na nabuo mula sa 2024 Citywide Workshop— ang AGOS ng PASIG. Bumalik kami sa balitaktakan ng gitnang uri at ang pagiging malaking seksyon ito ng socio-economic class, at nailapag ko sa mga kapatid na gusto ko kumatha ng isang kwento ng dalawang binatang magkaibigan na nagkabaligtad ang kanilang mga paniniwala dahil sa mga danas nila sa magkaibang baitang ng pagiging gitnang uri.

Ginamit ko ang Barangay Pineda at Barangay Kapitolyo ng Pasig bilang setting ng aking akda. Kasabay ng paahon at pababang mga kalsada ng dalawang pamayanan ay nagamit ko rin ito bilang isang metro (or metric) kung paano nagkakaiba ang sensibilidad sa pagpapalaki ng pamilya at kinagisnang kabataan kahit sa kwento, ang dalawang karakter ay parehong nag-aral sa iisang Elementary School. Magandang mekanismo ng diskurso ang topograpiya ng umaalong lugar, at pwede rin itong iangkla ang pagkakaintindi ng mga tao sa napapanahong paksa ng troll farms at disinformation campaign.

Sana lamang ay nabigyan ko ng hustisya ang sentimiyento ng aking bunsong kapatid sa pamamagitan ng pagkatha nitong maikling kwento.

Bad News

Kaibigan,

Ikinalulungkot ko sabihin sa iyong hindi nakaabot ang ipinasang akda sa in-extend na deadline para sa 2nd Pasig Writers Workshop.

Ngunit huwag mangamba, asahan mong sisikapin ng AGOS ng PASIG na magkaroon ng palihan kada taon.

Bilang kaibigan sa panulat, gusto kong sabihin sa iyo: kahit hindi ka umabot sa deadline, ang mahalaga ay ang danas at ang kapit nun sa personal na sensibilidad. Pakatandaan ang tindi ng sigasig sa pagtatagpi ng mga salaysay at pagpapadaloy ng iyong boses sa mga kwento na magbibigay kulay sa ating munting bayan.

Nang sa gayon, mas tukoy mo na ang disiplina ng pagsusulat.

Lavarn lang! ✊🫠

May next year naman,

Maria Ella Betos
President

Deadline

00:01 PHT, #TheBank MPR Flr 8

Hours ticked as fast as my fingers tapping the keyboard. My eyes were hovering over the number of tax lot breaks all throughout the first half of my day, while a simple glimpse on the phone that never stopped beeping with mail alerts, hours before the cut-off.

Just like New York Stock Exchange, hopeful workshoppers placed their bets on their craft, wishing to be part of this second citywide workshop.

And at the struck of midnight, I sent the last email response:

“Kaibigan, magwagi!

Ikaw ang pinakahuling nagpasa ng akda para sa ikalawang palihang panlungsod ng Pasig!

Mangyari po lamang na hintayin ang anunsyo kung kayo po ang isa sa mga napili na magiging fellow sa darating na 2nd Pasig Writers Workshop.”

Then at 00:01: a radio silence.

Bidyoke Sa Gedli

Pagkatapos ng PRPB Book Talakayan, sumama ako sa mga kaibigang dumalaw sa Silingan Coffee. Ang sabi-sabi, may kaunting pa-party ang mga may-ari. Dahil masyadong maaga kami dumating, nakita ko ang pagse-set up sa labas ng tindahan: laptop at speaker, mic, camera, mga mesa at upuan. Hindi pa fully ready, kaya naghapunan muna kami.

Pagbalik muli sa kapehan ay nakita namin ang kainitan ng kantahan ng mga kababaihan ng Silingan— mga nanay, lola, at ate; mga human rights advocate, trauma counselor at jounalist — mga babaeng naging kaibigan at kaanak ng mga biktima ng EJK. Lumapit sa amin ang isa at nag-anyaya na kami’y makikanta at makisayaw sa kakantahin nila sa bidyoke. Maya-maya lamang, siya’y nagsalaysay tungkol sa kanyang lalaking anak na pinaslang ng pulis; tila ang tingin sa kaniyang buhay ay walang saysay. Kahit masaya syang may lumipad sa Hague, bumuntung-hininga siya at sinabing, “Wala namang araw na hindi mabigat. At alam nating simula pa lang ito ng mahabang laban.” Pero biglang kumabig at nagsabing, “Ngayon, hinga muna at pagbigyan ang sarili. Mag-celebrate sa little win.”

Habang kinakanta nila ang Tatsulok, hindi ko mapigilang makikanta at isigaw ang “Hangga’t marami ang lugmok sa kahirapan, at ang hustisya ay para lang sa mayaman!” Batid ko, kasama ng sanlaksang kababaihang nakiki-jamming, na mahaba pa ang laban. Na kailangan nating mas maging matatag. Sa araw-araw, tapang ang ating tangan.

Tila bumulong muli ang tanong ng author sa pinanggalingang panayam, “Ella, hindi ka rin ba nasusugatan?” Kasabay ng biglang pag-alala ay ang aking paghawak sa mukhang tila nilamig ng minsanang hangin ng gabi.

Yun pala…
May mata nang tumubig.
May luha sa pisngi.

Kung Hindi Ako Banker, Ako Ay Writer

14 February 2025
16F Social Lounge #TheBank

Dear M—,

I saw these people and they seem to mock me at my introduction with this newest director in the office:

“Hi, I am Ella. And I am humbly bragging that I am the first woman that US onshore team hired in Managed Platforms Services — and still not moving about! If I am not a banker, I will be a writer — Shaping Pinoy Literary landscape, one story at a time.”

Masama kaya ang magkaroon ng ganoong klaseng vision sa mundong ginagalawan ko? Pasalamat nga sila hindi pa ako nagre-resign eh. I protect my work-life balance because I don’t want to be like them: working long hours and getting hungry, and for zero net benefit. Puyat ka na nga, surang-sura ka pa.

Goodness, I am even underpaid at this point! CPAs within my circle are the leads of professional diaspora and brain drain. Exploring Singapura, Malta, and Luxembourg! Those who stayed have other mouths to feed because they chose to have it so, and yet, they flourish in their respective family lives.

Bigla kong naiisip yung si Nase, the “Pinuno” behind the Ppop sensation. Way back before 2016, he went to UP and attended that Phil-Korean Friendship Summit, came out with a passion and a purpose: na sana, ang Pilipinas ay parang South Korea. Namamayagpag ang export ng sining at kultura, at nagiging source ng turismo ang bawat kanta.

Naisip ko, ganito rin ba ang naiisip nya nang sumubok sya sa auditions ng ShowBT? Habang nilalagari ang paghahanapbuhay bilang Corporate Slave at paghabol sa pangarap, paano siya lumapit sa mga kapamilya niya para lang maging dedicated sa kanyang craft? Pareho naman kaming may suntok sa buwan na purpose sa mundo ah! Hindi naman siguro masama yun. Gusto ko rin ang reach ni Bob Ong mismo! Si Bob Ong na malakas pa rin ang hatak sa mga mas batang henerasyon, ang humubog sa millenial generation sa pamamagitan ng pagkatha ng iba’t-ibang istilo ng pagkukwento.

“Shaping Pinoy Literary landscape, one story at a time.” May mga araw talaga na feeling ko hindi na ako meant dito sa workplace, pero I cannot afford to leave. If that guy has a family to go back to— I don’t. I honestly don’t. In a world where there is class A employee who can simply retire and be a stay-at-home wife, I cannot afford to fail. Heck, I cannot even afford to marry and have a kid! I am old to birth a son, too old to date men poorer than what I earn, and I am heaving in this long apocalypse of hyperinflated prices and a hyperventilate-inducing anxiety.

Gusto ko lang kumuda nang ganito kahaba para lang mawala na ang pagkaasar ko sa tingin ng mga tao sa akin na hindi naniniwala sa pagpapakilala ko sa tao. Kung ayaw nila maniwala, eh di hatdog sa kanila. Basta ako, may purpose na ako. Ito ang paraan ko ng pagbuo sa sarili ko at dahilan sa bawat pagbangon.